Thursday, 27 December 2012

Schmuck


Dreaming is the place where I feel most at peace. I can enter into a world which my subconscious creates for me. Admittedly, it may exploit our fears and vulnerabilities. But in a way it helps us to face them. In a dream you can hardly go wrong. If you really try, you can even control what happens. You can experiment, do things you wouldn't normally do and experience the consequences you create for yourself. A movie, written, directed and starring you. So why would we ever want to wake up? Speaking in this moment of time, I wouldn't.

Although it's hard to get to sleep at times. You know the feeling where you are desperately tired and want to escape into your own world but nagging thoughts don't leave you alone. From there on it becomes incredibly hard to slow down your racing mind which is currently travelling from one corner of the brain to the other, your trail of thought becoming more complicated yet logical. That in itself can be exhausting. The worst part is that 90% of those thoughts revolve around things to do, people you miss, your regrets, moments of embarrassment, failure. Not all your positive thinking bullshit. It all haunts you at the one moment you want to cross the boarder to dream.

This, these letters on this page are a result of mild insomnia. My life in it's worst form is haunting me from all angles. I already tried the tears. I thought maybe crying myself to sleep like a baby would tire me out. Considering you are reading this, it obviously hasn't worked. The main reason being that I got a blocked nose and couldn't breathe lying in bed. Ah well. Maybe writing this, I thought, will help me get some things off my very small boobed chest and then I'll be able to sleep better. Another ingenious plan you may think but alas, no. Writing has only made me think of other more deep and emotional things instead and has left me wanting to explore these things further. Baring in mind that this was meant to be a rant about how shitty my life is, this has so far not gone down the depressing emotionally-challenged-and-needs-to-get-out-more diary route I was expecting.

One thing I have been pondering, is why I am so embarrassed of humiliation. I'm trying to pin point a moment in time when I switched from being the very openly confident child to now. A girl who on the inside has little self esteem and respect for herself. You know the voice you have in your head that talks to you? Okay, let's get one thing clear, I'm not schizophrenic. But you know the voice that says, 'Wow, you really did well today' or 'You are looking fine!' ... No? Really? Ooooooookay then, moving on: the voice in my head though doesn't sound like that. It's more along that lines of, 'Oh for fuck sake, look what you've done know you idiot.' and 'What the hell did you do that for you schmuck?' It's my constant self critique. There's got to be an off button somewhere but I don't know where to find it. It just doesn't stop. Not matter what I do or where I go it's always there. Much like the Twilight movies. And now the author is thinking of writing another one, god help us. I can't get rid of it. It's like a fang in my side (well I was going to say 'thorn in my side' but we're sticking with the Twilight metaphor). 

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